this one doesn’t work quite as well without speaking. but

“how do you think the unthinkable?”

“with an itheberg.” (iceberg with a lisp)

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducked.

It’s amazing how many people like Trump and his entourage. After all, they’re fucking immature assholes.

Another one I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of

I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

Now, anytime I’m in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I’ll let out an audible groan of frustration.

Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room “What’s wrong?”

To which I always reply “Another wooden ball”

Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife. She never seems to see it coming.

Basiclly, if someone needs something like a lemon squeezer or something else ending with “er” I always like the classic “squeeze her? I hardly know her!” style joke.

That, or something dumb like the “I wanted to tell you a pizza joke but it’s too cheesy!” type of joke.

Those were two of the first things that popped into my mind.

Bearded guy, so: “[insert any small talk compliment about my beard here]” “Thanks, it’s been growing on me.”

What do you call a fly with legs without wings? A walk.

Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second man says “no such a thing as a bacon tree, that’s just a mirage”, but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: “it’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush”.

Works better when spoken but just say this in your head really fast

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

Bob and Doug are building a fence. Bob is throwing about half the nails into a garbage can. After seeing this going on for a while, Doug asks “Why are you throwing nail in the trash?” Bob says “The heads are on the wrong end” Doug can’t believe what he just heard and says “You dummy, use those nails on the other side of the fence!”

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that well.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they arrrrr!

What is white and interrupts your breakfast? An Avalanche

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, “oh look, deer tracks”. The second one says, “no, those a bear tracks”. The third one says, “you’re both wrong, those are moose tracks!” Then they get hit by a train.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

"Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

… “There’s more birds on that side”

It’s so fucking dumb and all about timing