In your line of work, hobby, just life in general.
Questions with my BOFH answers when I’m annoyed. And I’m often annoyed.
- Q. I downloaded [whatever]. Where is it?
- A. Wherever you told that dialog box to put it. I wasn’t there.
- Q. What’s “any key”?
- A. It’s any key on the keyboard. Pick at random, or pick your favorite letter if you have one. [note: this isn’t exactly true but I’ve never seen anyone pick CapsLock or some other key that might not result in continuance.]
- Q. Why isn’t my computer working?
- A. It’s not turned on.
- Q. Why can’t I run a microwave, air conditioner, and blowdryer off a walmart marine battery in my campervan?
- A. Because math.
- Q. how big is a millimeter?
- A. It’s a unit of measurement, so a millimeter is exactly 1mm. You can see them as small hashmarks on most rulers. One inch is roughly 25mm, if that helps. (narrator voice: “It didn’t help.”)
- Q. What time is it?
- A. [/me, the 8-12 substitute teacher, turns to look at the classroom’s wall clock. I point to it.] The clock is right.
- Q. What does it say?
- A. Well, you might remember that [/me visualizing the sweet nothingness of death or at least a tequila & NyQuil blackout] the short hand shows the hour and the long hand shows minutes.
- Q. [dead teen eyes staring at clock, jaw slackening, brain melting] So… what does it say?
- A. [existential crisis]
{edited for formatting}
Can you fix my (Windows) computer problem?
Nope. I design computer chips, and don’t use Windows that much.
After riding my bike to work in the rain: “Did you get wet?”
“Only on the outside.”
The inside is usually wet.
I don’t want to call it a “stupid” question, because most people just don’t know this. But when I was serving in the US Air Force, if my service ever came up around civilians, it was almost guaranteed that the next words out of their mouth were, “What planes do you fly?” It was such a common occurrence, it was a running joke amongst us Air Force members.
Only 5% of the Air Force are pilots. The other 95% work in career fields that either directly or indirectly support those pilots. We have doctors, lawyers, electricians, police, accountants, cooks… You name it, we likely have a similar career for it.
I personally worked in IT. I fixed computers for 20 years, usually in some cold, dark server room deep in the bowels of a facility. (Sometimes underground even!) I was about as far removed from the airplanes as one could get. So despite my 20 years working for the Air Force, I know absolutely nothing about planes.
Also, it kind of bothers me when people thank me for my service because I didn’t do anything. I’m no hero. Anyone could’ve done my job. Heck, I deployed with Marines once and they told me, if shit hits the fan, to just duck under my desk and let them take care of it. Even in the Air Force, we’re told that Security Forces (our version of military police) are the ones trained to handle combat with enemy forces and to get out of their way if anything happens.
When I was deployed with the Marines, my Marine boss told me once that she hopes to god that she never sees an Air Force person with a rifle in their arms. That means the planes are down, the Marines are dead, and the base is overrun. She said we are the absolute last resort to defend against enemy forces. So if we come under fire, she asked that I hand my weapon to the nearest Marine and then go take cover.
I have a coworker that did IT in (I think) the air force. He had some superior that was blasting him because his password wasn’t working trying to login. My coworker reset the password, remoted in, logged in and the the guy know it’s working and have him the PW.
He gets a call and the dude is again freaking out on him saying it’s not working. My CW drives across base to assist. He gets there and asks the guy to login. First thing he did is hits caps lock and starts typing. CW tells him what’s wrong, does it himself and it works. And to have him do it again, and the guy hits caps lock… CW says something and the superior snaps on him. He snapped back.
When he got back to his station, he gets the call that he fucked up, and that he just volunteered for a deployment to Alaska, where he sent the next few months.
Not really related, but I thought it was a funny story.
Also, it kind of bothers me when people thank me for my service because I didn’t do anything. I’m no hero. Anyone could’ve done my job. Heck, I deployed with Marines once and they told me, if shit hits the fan, to just duck under my desk and let them take care of it. Even in the Air Force, we’re told that Security Forces (our version of military police) are the ones trained to handle combat with enemy forces and to get out of their way if anything happens.
spoiler
Don’t know if it is the case for America, but where I live, people don’t even touch the army with a pole unless they are raised in army families or particularly patriotic families. Even though it is a great employer - both for civilians and soldiers roles - it is regarded as a place people “fail into,” a job we apply for when we fail to secure training or work in the civilian world.
If any of this rings true for the culture where you live, you do deserve the respect. You looked into a profession that most people are too scared to even consider, and found your way to make a contribution. You did skilled work that many of the soldiers were either not smart enough, too busy to do, or just unwilling to train for. Every time you clocked in and sat down in front of a keyboard you were doing valuable work that helps to keep your army functional, and presenting as a formidable force.
And, you actually said in your comment, they asked you to “just sit under your desk if things got heated” - this means there legitimately was some risk of your workplace coming under fire, even if it’s probably super small. That’s exactly what people are so afraid of when they think about working in the army.
The way I see it, working for the army is putting yourself forward and saying “I’m willing to do things to defend my country,” to varying degrees, but you did that before any of those other civilians did. I just think it’s important you appreciate that. It’s in the same vein that people who work in really essential roles like teaching should be proud of themselves and be celebrated more.
it is regarded as a place people “fail into,” a job we apply for when we fail to secure training or work in the civilian world.
That was also the case in America pre 9/11, its also when thanking people for their service become very common. Bumper sticker magnets with the phrase were a huge fad.
When I was a young lad, I thought to join the Air Force. My dad was in the Air Force and he was happy to hear it. I rode an hour on a bus to the place, went through all the tests, etc. and near the end learned that I’d be a helicopter mechanic. I didn’t want to be a mechanic I wanted to be a pilot, that’s why I wanted to join. I didn’t bother saying that to anyone, but that’s what I wanted.
When it came time to take the pledge I remained seated. The Air Force folks who ran the place were pissed. They kicked me out the front door and didn’t offer a ride home. I had to call my dad to pick me up. My dad was a reasonable man, and kind, so he didn’t lay into me but I could tell he was very disappointed.
Looking back on it, helicopter mechanic would have been a good fit for me, I’d probably have been very good at it, and it would have been an interesting career. Had I been better prepared, I would have done it. And, my life would have been much different I’m sure. Maybe even better, I’ll never know.
(This was over 40 years ago, I don’t remember the details too well.)
What’s it like being an identical twin?
I don’t fucking know, what’s it like not being one??
I’d guess it’s like having a sibling, only different! I only have the twin though, no other siblings.
Also also, yes your grandmother’s way of canning sucks ass wax is not valid, turning them upside down is not valid, using non canning jars to can is not valid, using the oven and not a water or pressure canner is not valid. Two piece rings and glass jars! Or whatever, I’m not your mom and not eating your food.
I feel like in past few years the number of easily searched factual questions I see posted to forums has exploded. Questions like, how do I make pancakes? What is the tallest mountain? Can chickens fly?
It really seems like a ton of people have lost the ability (or never had it) to find answers for themselves.
Found the American school teacher
My conspiracy is that these were added on purpose to add more data for AI to train on.
“Can we do it with AI?”
Translation: Thinking is HARD and humans are GROSS. Can’t I just be Scrooge McDuck and have a machine print money for me?
I heard this one today. Not the first time, and won’t be the last:
Why was I charged for taxes?
There seem to be a large number of people who evade income taxes, then get shocked and panicky several years later when they ‘suddenly’ owe their taxes; complete with fees and interest.
The obvious question. Example: someone is eating soup. Someone else walks up, “so you’re eating soup, huh?”
My parent’s generation did that a lot more. For them, it was just a standard meaningless expression for when you don’t know what to say, obviously to start small talk, whereas younger people take it more literally and get annoyed for asking such a dumb question
Life in general;
- Oh so you are half Egyptian? Did you go to the pyramids?
- In Ramadan; Not even water?
“Can I get a discount if I pay off the books”
Or another way to ask the same thing: “Do you mind taking all the legal risk so that I could save some money?”
I’ve met more than a few businesses that will give a discount for cash.
Cash discounts aren’t about it being ‘off the books’, however. That is because cash doesn’t incur a credit card fee, and they pass the savings to you. A good number of businesses will do that, I make sure to take advantage of it.
“How’s it going?” I’m at work. You’re at work. Both of us can name five places we’d rather be without a second thought. The fuck you think it’s going? Same as you, so let’s quit lying to ourselves.
Ironically, the best way to answer a Christian (or, I suppose, any member of any Abrahamic religion), works here. “He woke me up today,” and they say something like “yeah any day above ground is a blessing”. Like yeah, that is literally the best thing I can say about my day. I woke up. I had coffee. Good coffee. I had a good breakfast. I am “blessed” in the kitchen. That was the best part of my day. THEN I CAME HERE.
I work in esales.
I get asked at least 5 times a day how much something is. Turns out, it’s the big, bold number next to the dollar sign. And, no, you don’t get a fucking discount because you asked what the price is. If anything I should charge you more for wasting my fucking time.
What is esales?
Online sales
“Don’t you care about the company?”
Oh I hate that one.
“The company” doesn’t give two flying f***s about me, I’m here to do a job and get paid for it, not join a cult."
My honest response to that is, I have a limited amount of social energy, and I will absolutely bend over backwards for someone who cares about me just a little. The company will post my job tomorrow if I keel over and die, so no, I don’t spare a thought for them. You get what you give. Next. Question.
If you are a (younger?) immigrant in the US, you will be asked by a curious American:
- Where are you from / what language do you speak?
- How do you say “hello” and “goodbye” in your language?
- How do you say “fuck you” in your language?
The second thing you want to know about my language is how to insult someone? Baffling, but happened more than once.
The second thing you want to know about my language is how to insult someone? Baffling, but happened more than once.
I don’t think it’s that baffling - you mentioned being a younger immigrant, right, so presumably these are questions that teenagers or young adults have asked you? They’re very into “immature” stuff like that
However, I think people ask for swear words also because
- It sticks in their head more, so the person can say “i know some words in Spanish!” without forgetting it. (Spanish is just an example)
- They tend to be one of the most unique parts of a language, and also don’t require learning grammar rules
- It means they have something they can use to swear with without other people noticing they are swearing. So conflict is avoided.
It’s true, in fact I curse in way more languages than I can speak fluently. You should hear me when I pinch my finger while working.
I hope pinche cabron is in the string of expletives
