A question for those who have a partner, how did you manage to do it and how long did it take?

I/We did not ‘do it’ if by that you mean deciding to meeting someone to become a couple, be it for night or for a lifetime. For us, it happened and it seems to be holding quite well after 25 years together and counting ;)

How did it happen? We were into some similar interests and we started chatting about it (online, back in the late 90s, before apps and algorithm), no dating, no nothing, just chatting about that common interest. And enjoying our conversations. One day, we decided to meet IRL as the opportunity arise and, well, it clicked. We enjoyed that time together and decided to try another time, and then a third. And then we both agreed it would be nice (and much simpler too) if we moved together.

it’s hard for me to communicate with people on the street.

You’re right, it is hard. For anyone. You probably should not do that to begin with.

I mean, one may (or may not) meet people on the street (or anywhere else) and then one may (or may not) start having a conversation with them, and then… But most of the time, people are not on the street waiting to be ‘communicated’ with, and the few that do they are probably doing it for the money.

One needs to spend time with people with whom one has some shared interest for a conversation to have a chance to get anywhere. One also needs to be ok with those person not be willing to have discussion or spend time with them as they may have other plans and/or interests. It’s ok to being told ‘no, thx’, it’s not a failure.

So, the question is mostly this: what are your hobbies and passions? Because that’s where you should try to meet other people. It helps a lot to know you have some common interest, even more so when you’re shy.

I’m an introvert

My spouse and I we’re both introverts. It would be an understatement to say I’m shy as fuck. And so is she, just worse. But it seldom is an issue for me, provided I have something to talk about with the other person. No matter how deep or thin the topic is as long as it helps me stop feeling like it’s about me (which it never is, btw) and more about whatever is the subject of our conversation. Even asking for directions or… commenting to your question ;)

As far as dating goes, no matter how unpopular this seems to be considered nowadays, I think it also helps a lot to not have expectations regarding who the other person should be (physically, morally, financially and so on), and how she should behave (the should do this and that, say this and that, think this and that). We all are different, we all have flaws. And we can all be going through some hardship, at times.

Like I said, my spouse and I have been together for 25+ years but there are still today things she does I don’t like, and people she likes I don’t like (and don’t waste my own time with). And it’s same with me. We’re not glued together, even though I’ve read Plato I don’t believe we ought to become ‘one’ as a couple. And that’s fine. We also had our fair share of issues, as a couple, and that too is fine.

In summary: being shy did not prevent me to meet girls. What did was not knowing what to talk about with them, and then my fear of being rejected. And then my expectations. The day I got rid of that fear and expectations, taking the action of meeting new people for what it truly is (an opportunity) it went better. Because it’s an opportunity to try, and maybe to fail and maybe to learn something new in the process (improving oneself), instead of not even trying and to certainly not succeed and to not learn anything new, quite the contrary: fear of action and rumination won’t help anyone grow/feel better.

edit: missing words.

Local game store. Played various rpgs with him. Boyfriend at the time dumped me. Started talking to him more. We were going to take it slow because there’s a 16 year age gap, but mother kicked me out of the house and I asked if I could stay there. He agreed. I didn’t leave.

That was almost twenty years ago.

A couple decades of going to the gym and eating healthy. It eventually pays off. Might take a couple decades but hey better late than never.

In my mid-thirties, I decided to take some classes after work. I took an acting class because it’s not something I would have ever done. Ended up marrying someone I didn’t even know was in my class. Guess I made an impression. I was not a good actor.

I also took an art class, despite not being very good at art. Met some cool people that I kept in touch with for a while.

Take some classes, or just get out of your comfort zone. Doing something you’ve never done before, especially with other people who have never done it before, that’s when the brain is lit up and paying attention. That advice also works for dates. Go do something together that neither of you has done before. Do that multiple times in a row. 60% of the time, it works every time.

I met her in a bar, I was 35, she was 21. She was friends with a friend I knew. I order her a Guinness and a shot of scotch- she proceeded to down the scotch without flinching and chased it with the Guinness- then looked at me with big “kitten eyes”.

This was all before I even got to touch my drink.

Hell of an ice breaker.

Anyway, that was almost 18 years ago and we’re still doing great.

I think it took all of about a week or so for us to just know we clicked. And a bit longer for me to get off my ass and make it “official”. As far as how?

I was just being myself. Nothing more. Never use tricks, oversell yourself, or act against who you are… all of this comes out sooner or later.

Just be who you are. It’s better to get someone to love you this way than to have to maintain an act.

And it’s genuine. There’s a lot to be said for that.

Find a hobby you’re interested in if you don’t have one already. Find a group in your area that meets up to discuss or engage in that hobby in person. Make friends with the people in that group by just existing around them and talking about your shared interest. Maybe one of those friendships turns into a relationship, maybe not.

Don’t think of the people there as potential partners but as people you like spending time with and genuinely enjoy being around. If one of those friendships has mutual attraction and becomes a partnership, that’s great! If not, you’ll probably meet other people through them and maybe one of those will turn into a relationship.

Examples of hobbies for introverts that provide more structure for interaction and can have limited talking if needed:

• Boardgames / dueling card games like Netrunner / tabletop roleplaying games
• Pinball
• Video games fighting games or speed running communities are more widespread for in person events
• Book clubs
• Hiking, rolling skating, skateboarding, tennis, pickleball, basketball, soccer, bicycling, running, or swimming if you want to get some exercise

Used hinge. It’s the least bad, as of this year anyway.

Most people who use dating apps are, frankly, bad at it. People send garbage messages with garbage profiles. People half-ass it and expect the other folks to carry the whole thing. I feel like I could write a short book on how to do it better.

Condensed into like three bullet points it’s

• Ask questions. Do not dead-end the conversation and expect them to do all the work
• actually ask them out. Like, in the first conversation after you clear any must-have deal breakers (eg: if you have a kid)
• put stuff you want to talk about in your profile. Don’t be “clever” and respond to “what are you looking for?” with “my keys”. This is where you give the other person topics to talk about. (Also if you are tired of people asking about the stuff you put in your profile, change it you doofus.)

Being “an introvert” doesn’t excuse you from being present and engaged. The other person isn’t going to be that interested in someone who responds every couple hours with “lol”. If you can’t muster up the energy to have a real conversation, you aren’t ready to date.

My wife is an introvert. It took 7 years of very innocent twice a year meeting at camp and someone else shoving us together for us to think about becoming an item. Been married for 8 years now (together for 13). Sometimes these things just happen. Top tip is not to try too hard.

This might sound pedantic, but actually makes a big difference, mentally.

Introvert refers more to how you mentally recharge, rather than interactions. An introvert requires time alone to recharge, an extrovert needs time around people. Your more likely socially anxious, and possibly mentally underdeveloped for socialising.

By locking down where the problem actually is, it helps you figure out how to counter it. Social anxiety is quite common, with viable treatment methods. Social skills are learnt. You get them by practice. It’s a problem that is common for autistics, so the info from those corners of the internet could be helpful, even if you aren’t autistic.

We met through a shared college class, and became friends studying. We kept having lunch every few months for a couple years while we both dated other people. Eventually the stars aligned, and we went on date! Here we are 11 years later, happily married <3

Met through mutual friends. Dated. Had fun. Got married. Had kid.

My wife and I met through Okcupid about fifteen years ago.

I had been in an insanely stupid long-distance relationship, called it off, and started looking for someone local.

The woman I broke things off with was younger than me and baby crazy, so I extended my age range by the same amount and met my wife quickly thereafter.

Specifically, we chatted for two or three weeks before I suggested we meet at a coffee place.

Two dates later we were exclusive.

She is seven years older than me and had never been in a serious relationship.

Just keep looking. Lonely people are absolutely everywhere, and you’re bound to find someone you just link up with eventually.

Met online through a hobby-oriented platform (not social media, not dating sites). Neither of us where actively looking for a partner at that time, so there was no pressure to perform, no expectations, everything just flowed (and if it hadn’t, that would’ve been OK too, at least at that point hehe). It took a bit over a year of one thing leading to another.

I’ve read some advice here that sort of matches that pattern, and by personal experience I’d say it works.

Gym; married, then divorced (10 years) Work; longer then the marriage, still going

Long story. Sexpositive meeting, years later, she asked me for a date.