I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I’m posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It’s often said they’re screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don’t scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we’re conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
Hi OP, I’m an asexual woman with endometriosis and chronic pelvic pain. Coming at it from this perspective.
Consider that some people find fisting and stuffing jars up their butt pleasurable. People are really weird, so no matter what you think of someone is going to find it pleasurable. Just because they find something pleasurable doesn’t mean you also have to.
If you don’t find something pleasurable, that’s okay. You don’t have to do it, ever. How you describe your pain is how I feel trying to do butt stuff and I just absolutely do not want to engage with it because it doesn’t feel good. I’m not going to go to a doctor to get my butt examined so I can do butt stuff, and I’m sure most the men in this post telling you shit wouldn’t do that, either.
You can have sex without penetration, if you want to. It’s fine not to have sex at all. It’s also fine not to even masturbate. Sexuality shouldn’t be compulsory.
I have a friend who couldn’t do penetrative sex, so her and her husband went to sex clubs and did lots of kink stuff without penetration and she says it was great. Don’t limit yourself to the idea that sex is only penis in vagina. A lot of men to try to tell you that. Hanging out in queer communities has opened my mind to a lot of possibilities.
Vaginismus exists. You probably have it. Doctors are really shit at detecting it. Gynecologists generally only care about delivering babies. Its like my experience trying to get treated for endo. You don’t just go to a doctor and get treated for pelvic pain like a lot of comments seem to be handwaving. It’s a dehumanizing experience and your pain will probably be ignored anyway.
I personally vouch that pelvic floor physical therapists are amazing, but I totally get why someone wouldn’t want to do that. It’ll also probably take multiple doctors and all the pain and violation that comes with repeat exams so it’s completely valid not to engage with the medical system. It was not made for women.
It is perfectly okay to stay as you are and explore non penetrative sex.
That said, the actual answer to your question is that, yes, I am a woman who finds vaginal sex pleasurable. I don’t experience pain from it unless the endo is flaring. However, it causes chronic UTIs amid the other overmedicalized bullshit that sex brings when you are AFAB, so I don’t do it much anyway.
This was a very illuminating post, and expanded my horizons on the human experience. If I may, can I ask what AFAB stands for in this context? I don’t want to just try searching the internet because acronyms can be tricky to get right, even with context.
Assigned Female at Birth. Sounds better than ‘has a vagina/uterus’ IMO as I don’t want to label people by what genitals they have and sometimes that can change anyway.
Very interesting thread.
Just a little side note for everyone. Climax. The word you’re looking for is climax. Or orgasm if you want to be totally technical. Not come, or cum. Climax.
Everyone is using some form of cum/come when talking about climax and I think it might be a little confusing for op.
I fucking get annoyed when I see it spelled “come”.
It’s just not the right word (I guess it technically can be used in the “to get there” sense, but that seems like really stretching it, especially given that it typically refers to ejaculation, not orgasm).
I don’t know the origin of how “cum” came around, but to me it’s always seemed like the world’s most common typo that everyone is too busy to fix because they only have one hand to type and hold their phone.
Can we all just agree to spell it “cum” consistently?
Doing some toilet-bowl Googling, I found that the word “come” has been used as a euphemism for orgasm or ejaculation since at least the 17th century. It wasn’t until the latter part of the 20th century that the alternative spelling “cum” became common, specifically to remove the ambiguity between the sexual meaning and the ordinary verb come. So you were absolutely right to prefer the spelling “cum” for that reason. The spelling was then further popularized through the rise of pornography and erotic media in Western culture.
Welcome to Lemmy! Sorry about the degenerates saying “you’re gay”, as if sexual orientation had anything to do with it (plenty of lesbians like penetration - usually with toys - and vice versa). Trust me, Reddit would be way worse…
From the last time this was asked: seek professional medical advise. It should not be painful. There are non-medical reasons it might be less than amazing, but it should not be painful.
Could be endometriosis.
Sometimes. But, if you aren’t really into it and no lubricant is used, it does not feel good and can hurt. Men don’t seem to notice. My partner can’t tell the difference until I stop him.
That’s not including things like endometriosis and other health issues that make sex painful for women.
Additionally women experience different levels of pain. Getting the IUD hurt so much I vomited in the parking lot. My doctor told me women who have given birth don’t have as much trouble with it than women who haven’t. They told me to take an ibuprofen before my appointment. That did about as much good as doing nothing at all.
as a man I can state that I (and I don’t know anybody that doesn’t) notice if a woman is not into it. Either lack of natural lubrication or emotional as well.
Not a woman here but coning from my wife: fuck yes, women enjoy sex and a lot of it. When she comes, she screams every time.
If sexual intercourse isn’t pleasurable for you, or even painful, you may wnat to consult with a physician tonfigurr out what could cause your discomfort or pain, and to try and fix it
Sex is (and should be) awesome and amazing for everyone. I feel you’re missing out on something wonderful and hope that you’ll be able to fix this issue.
Beat wishes!
It is not supposed to be painful. If it is, then talk to a health professional.
Do not force yourself to have sex if it is painful! That might give you an aversion to it
If you are not old enough to do that without parents, then see if there is a school nurse, or other services for young people.
FYI: I am a man, but I know that women are supposed to enjoy sex.
Yes, women in general enjoy sex, and not because they like pain (although some like that too, but that’s not relevant to your post). I’ve had the feeling of penetration described to me like a very satisfying pressure, no pain involved at all.
See your doctor. Your vagina can dilate far enough to give birth, the average penis should (taking into account enough foreplay, arousedness and no medical or anxiety issues) really not hurt.
Vaginismus, Endometriosis, Stress, Anxiety, not enough natural lubrication or the need for dilatation are the most common issues, but there are other less common things that can lead to pain. Nearly all of them can be overcome, especially if you have a partner worth keeping.
NEVER let anyone gaslight into thinking your pain isn’t real or no big deal. Pain is a very complex reaction that consists of a sensory input and the interpretation in your brain as painful - noone can decide for you what should or shouldn’t hurt. I was a long time chronic pain patient, and after the surgeons told me that they couldnt do anymore for me and the painkillers didn’t help, i was able to slowly rewire my brain with the help of a fantastic physical therapist. i had been in pain for so long that my brain simply interpreted every sensory input in the affected body parts as pain.
If i was able to get rid of the pain that was crippling me for years, you can do the same. And the sooner you start doing something against it, the easier it will be - don’t try to wait this one out.
Yes. Women do enjoy sex and you should try to make sure you do to. It’s not uncommon for women to not enjoy sex right away for a number of reasons. First something like 75% of women can’t come from penetration alone so you need to get more from yourself or your partner. Second some women don’t reach their sexual peak to around 30 because they need to really understand themselves and unlearn the myths about sex not being pleasurable. So what do you need to do?
First, I would recommend reading / listening to the best / longest running sex and relationship podcast by Dan Savage. It’s a great way to both get comfortable about hearing / thinking about sex is a positive way as well as learn about consent, advocating for pleasure as well as ways to communicate this. It’s kink and sex positive so you might hear about things that are scary or off-putting that some people like around sex but that’s good learning. You might even hear about things you didn’t know you were interested in.
Second you need to become the expert on your own body and pleasure. Your partner shouldn’t have to read your mind because they are focused on their own pleasure and might be as inexperienced as you are. So you need to masterbate and see what you like. Touch everywhere and everything you see what you enjoy. See what thoughts turn you on. If porn seems to give you the ick try female made porn from Erika Lust or some audio erotica from Dipsea. Lots of women and men have problem with mainstream porn point of view and might enjoy a different take on it. Also there are numerous smutty books out that you might enjoy. If you need some references OMGYes has real scientific information about what women do for pleasure that is supposed to be amazing. Urban Tantra has a chapter on erotic massage for Vulvas (it also has one Penises) with step by step instructions and pictures. You might not enjoy the spiritual / chakra / woo woo aspect but the rest is applicable.
You are doing great and have fun.
Edit: I can’t believe I did a whole post about female pleasure and forgot Sex Toys. You might need a vibrator another clitoris stimulation toy. oh joy sex toy has tons of reviews as well as other resources on sex toys. If you want to go in person go to Smitten Kitten or Babeland if they are in your city. If not look to see if any sex toy shops have the words feminist, LGBTQIA+ friendly or gender inclusive near you.
Yes. I am a woman and really enjoy sex. Less so when I was younger but it is not supposed to hurt, no. Two questions:
What happens when you put in a tampon?
Are you really very aroused before trying penetration?
ETA - people are recommending lube but lube does not substitute for arousal. Lube only helps slip - arousal makes space, adds slip, and relaxes the opening of the vagina some, so that there is room for a penis (or fingers or whatever). Sex is amazing but you need to be turned on to enjoy it.
I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.
Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: “Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they’re doing to experience that!”
There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it’s useful to remember that sex isn’t just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.
As for vocalization, the “oh fuck” (doc, it’s like sandpaper ripping me in half) and “oh fuck” (I’m having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don’t cry just out of sadness, you know?
Op, look into this. Vaginismus defines your symptoms. I was with a woman who had it. It affects like 5% of women, and it makes (penetrative) sex feel painful and unpleasant.
We found other ways to be intimate. Id go down on her for hours. We’d masturbate together and bring toys. We even went to sex clubs and explored other ways to get off.
To add to this, vaginismus can be as much phycological as it is medical. Having bad/painful experiences with piv sex can cause a ‘feedback loop’ making things worse. There’s also some medication that can interfere with ‘wetness’, for a lack of a better word. Lube is a godsend and can help alleviate initial pain allowing you to relax, and may be enough to start building up positive mental associations with penetrative sex. But most of all, do seek medical advice, it’s not supposed to hurt.
Also, you can ask for a smaller speculum when going for a pap smear, - I didn’t know that and had a horrid experience that stopped me going for my next one for nearly a decade. (I’m better at self advocating these days)
I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you’re a female OP.
Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it’s painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.
I have, hence the examination mention. There’s something that still confuses me, though. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable, why is it when you’re being examined down there by a doctor, they’ll tell you to take deep breaths, as if to say “brace for impact/expect pain”?
Because it’s not sex, so you’re not excited, blood flow hasn’t increased, natural lubrication hasn’t increased, muscles haven’t relaxed naturally.
If the docor said “this is going to feel good” that would be a lot weirder
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Several reasons. One, they’re sticking a metal thing in there, and that can be painful, especially if they don’t use enough lube. I remind them to use a lot. :) Two, you may be having a lot of anxiety and tightening up all your muscles (I know I do!) so that makes it harder for them to insert the thing–hence, they tell you to take breaths and try to relax. Also, I always try to go to a woman gynecologist. I’m more comfortable with someone who knows what it’s like and they’re usually much nicer, so that helps.
The expectation of pain is a huge factor for my partner, she has to be TOTALLY RELAXED to enjoy anything.
And this developed after us being together for like 10 years. We had super fun, impromptu sex whenever, and then that started to go away.
Point is, expectations of pain can make sex painful. So OP has a hill to climb to get to easy, comfortable sex.
I am appalled that no one has brought this up so far- but it hurts because they are touching the cervix, which generally doesn’t get touched, and can be very painful to hit. The speculum they are inserting is designed to slightly open the cervix for the examination.
OP, there are many sizes of vagina. You may have one that’s on the smaller side, with a low pelvic floor. My partner is the same way, and penetration can be painful for them. We have switched to using very small toys or focusing on clitoral stimulation to get them off instead of relying on penetration.
If your doctor clears you, you may just have a low pelvic floor, and may not like penetrative sex. Which is fine! It’s just good to know about yourself.
Don’t be appalled. I doubt many people know about this stuff as much as you do. I’m more appalled by the lack of women here confirming that women enjoy sex. But I assume that’s because most women are currently having sex instead of talking to nerds on the Internet.
There are two parts to this. For starters, sex without arousal is also painful. During arousal, you secrete lubricants, the vaginal cavity expands as blood flows to it, and your body dampens pain reception across the entire body. Most people are not aroused by medical examinations and given your examples for experiences I’d say you’re definitely not getting hot and bothered by it. So the difference is eating a candy that you’re excited for compared to eating plain bread with a dry mouth.
Second is that your doc may be aware of your issue and forewarning you so you’re prepared. Given the way you talk about it, I’d imagine you’re probably on the younger side. If you’re getting your first few exams, or have been direct about your experiences so far then it’s likely they’re playing it safe for your comfort.
Lastly, talk to your Doctor about this issue, here are some examples so you know the verbage. I’m a guy but I do have second hand experience. I long distanced a gal who had surgery for microperforate hymen before we met and was incredibly scared of penetration in any way. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but we had a lot of fun building her confidence and other interests. The mother of my child had a partial transverse vaginal septum, it led to a sharp and buring pain at the entrance during penetration outside of a specific angle. This was “solved” during child birth when the doc had to snip her to allow the baby to come out. After getting stitched back correctly (no husband stitches here) she ended up having quite the sexual awakening. Lastly, my now spouse had a rotated womb which lead to abdominal pain during arousal as it pinched the womb. This was remedied.by a full hysterectomy for unrelated purposes.
Point being, there’s a lot of variables in the area and it would do good to read up on some of the issues, do some self exploration to get a good handle on what your symptoms are, and them talk to your Doctor about it.
Medicine traditionally does not consider the pain of women or children to be worthy of consideration. They only started using anesthesia on infants in the 1980s, as doctors had convinced themselves that infants couldn’t feel pain, for some reason.
I would imagine if you visit their office because of pain, a part of their reason and response to you is to brace for the discomfort that you’re there for.
Full disclosure: am a guy.
Holding your breath allows you to tense up and clench more than you can while breathing. Taking a deep breath eliminates some “tensing” muscles from the equation. Still, with some effort (or anxiety, probably) you can still clench up while breathing.
Because you’re not usually sexually aroused at the doctor’s office.
Sex is very different from physical examination at a doctor’s office. A doctor may need to do things that you wouldn’t do for pleasure but are still important for checking on your health. Some of the things they may need to do may be uncomfortable/painful for some people with vaginas. It’s also a psychological thing: pleasure during sex/masturbation has a fairly significant psychological component. It’s rarely the case that anyone automatically enjoys any interaction with their genitals (male or female genitals, actually). It’s very context dependent and dependent on one’s frame of mind. Most people are not going into doctor’s appointments with any desire or expectation for pleasure, so the experience is just very different from the get go.
Another possible reason for asking you to take a deep breath is that deep breathing can relax muscles and the mind, which can be helpful during an examination.
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Similar to other comments, that kinda sounds like vaginismus from what I’ve read of it. Obviously people have different preferences, but it’s not supposed to be painful, assuming you’re well-lubricated via foreplay or otherwise. It should be plenty wet inside and not dry. Things should slide right in and not be difficult to insert (important note: I do not have a vagina, this is just based on my sexual experience).
Plenty of people with vaginas don’t particularly enjoy penetration for one reason or another (and plenty do), but actual physical pain is another matter, I think.
I’ll add an asterisk to your statements. As a woman, things don’t generally slide right in (ymmv), and usually there’s still a little bit of intentionality to get to the good parts. Of course, something with tiny girth might slide in, but generally, phallic-type objects can still take a little work.
Yeah that’s fair, I guess maybe it depends on your definition of “slide right in”. I meant it as “there shouldn’t be any signficiant resistance to insertion”, which was qualified by needing lubrication/arousal for that to be the case. And I guess it should be further qualified that the thing being inserted should be lubricated as well.
But that being said, I am not a woman, so what I’m saying should certainly be taken with a grain of salt.
In case it wasn’t mentioned already, consider looking into pelvic physical therapy. They specialize in this area and treat physical problems that cause pain during sexual activity, bodily functions, etc. I see one and it has helped me a lot!
My wife has had an issue with pain during penetration that turned out to be caused by the depo birth control shot. It’s a rare side effect that no one told her about.
