They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way. Now that the divorce is happening, they’ve gone full Evangelist style batshit lecturing about how sinful everyone’s lives are. What can I do?
Hmm. Is it likely that a person becomes religious after they divorce?
Leave as soon as possible.
Ex charismatic case here:
As others have pointed out=> they have to figure it out, you can only help and wait it out.
They preach it themselves, be patient, show your life and wait. Same goes the other way.
The difference is that they are in a trap so to speak. They can’t back out because that triggers the fear of hell (it’s a one way street).
If they make it out it’ll probably be because their god has let them down for the millionth time on important issues. Be there for them in those moments and show them that life goes on outside of their bubble. And that life is good there. They’re in for a dark ride.
If it comes down to debating the matter: be careful. A good gotcha can feel like a small victory but it can also cut you out of their life. Or only embolden them to look up more fringe and whacky theories.
From my experience it’s probably more effective to dismiss such debates. Show them you care about them as a person and not their religion.
I dearly dearly wish you all the strength and love you can use. I hope they make it out.
You don’t. If their mind is already primed to fall for this nonsense, there isn’t much you can do to help them.
Unfortunately, as a child, you can’t do anything else than getting the fuck out of there as soon as possible. If you have lil’ bros and sis’, you have to take them with you, else they’ll destroy their minds as well.
Save yourselves.
give arguments for why you believe Jesus was a homosexual
sounds like they are projecting, thier divorce has to be against thier religion, taboo pretty hypocritical.
Ex-cult member here.
The only thing that snaps someone out of that spiral is an internal realization. There’s nothing we as outsiders can really do directly. Engaging with their version of reality (Christian evangelicals specifically) feeds into the prosecution complex and perpetual victimhood that validates their position. It’s a self-defeating tactic to confront them directly.
Focus on positive, normal, consistent interactions. Share your regular, everyday triumphs. If your lifestyle comes up in conversation, express being satisfied with it. Decline going to church with them. Don’t debate their stances on doctrine if you share a root faith. Deflect and redirect. When the opportunity arises, maybe ask a question that invites some introspection about the subtle (but structurally loadbearing) flaws in their worldview. But don’t probe too much. Again, bear in mind, they’re trained to take every perceived attack as a trigger to rehearse their dogma. Be subtle.
And above all, unless they are actively abusing you, don’t abandon them. That’ll seal them in and you’ll never get them back. Continue your hobbies and appointments, and keep a schedule (movie night, for example.) Eventually, they might feel vulnerable enough to express their insecurities about inconsistencies in their worldview. Be gentle with them, as this is a remarkably scary thing for them to even voice out loud.
If they love you–and I mean really love you–no preacher with an ego to preen will ever take them from you.
They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way.
Yes, people can be that
It doesn’t seem to be the case for op’s parent.
Most people join cults for community and structure and answers. There’s resources like https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/freedom-mind/202104/the-definitive-guide-helping-people-trapped-in-cult and https://www.peopleleavecults.com/post/help-cult-involved but I think the general idea is stay calm don’t crash out when talking about it, help them notice the manipulation techniques being used that are common to cults, asking questions that help undermine indoctrination and inspire more skepticism, and provide alternatives for the reasons they are wanting to join or stay in a cult without the manipulation and lies a cult requires to exist.
They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way.
They’re probably not in a cult if they’re still going to the previous Church. Likely a mental episode of somekind. If they got more involved with the Church that they were sane in, it might help.
- Divorce is a sin, so if they are trying to get hardcore religious and lecturing people, they need to handle their hypocrisy first.
- Get them more involved in their current religious organisation instead of the cults
Isn’t divorce only a sin for Catholics who don’t get it annulled? I thought divorce was more acceptable among Protestants
So, technically, divorce isn’t the sin. Getting involved with another person, however, is adultery. You can divorce, and, if the other person isn’t Christian and divorces you, you can even remarry (Pauline Privlidge). Generally speaking, the Church advocates for seperation instead of divorce in cases such as abuse.
I’m assuming the more hardline you go, the harder the rules get.
My parents got divorced in 1981. My mom was raised Pentecostal (the Tammy Faye Bakker kind, not the long skirts kind), and she was intermittently ultra-involved in the church.
During one of those times (in the mid-'90s), she came to the understanding that she could never remarry because the only “biblically acceptable” reason for divorce was unfaithfulness. Since that wasn’t why she and my dad got divorced, dating anyone else would be considered adultery. So she swore off dating.
To be fair, I don’t know if this is something that came from the church or something she came up with on her own. I just remember thinking it was pretty ridiculous.
So whether it’s official church doctrine or not, I do think that the more extreme the church, the more extreme the rules are.
Yeah, that’s probably a fair assumption
Divorce is a sin, so if they are trying to get hardcore religious and lecturing people, they need to handle their hypocrisy first.
Some religious cults will pressure divorced people to remarry their original spouse, regardless of the reason for the divorce.
Would depend on their organisation, some wacky organisations do exist. It’s best to get involved in a mainline established Church - heck, even conservative offshoots in the USA such as the ACNA or the PCA would still try and level their head more.
They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way.
They probably are/were attending a normal Church
Yes, divorce is often considered a sin. And…?
The great thing about Christianity is that sin is expected, anticipated and in some ways, even celebrated.
The forgiveness of sin is a foundational Christianity principle. IMHO, it’s also why that religions is so popular, especially evangelical Christianity.
Here’s the gist: Humans are evil beings, filled with sin, each and every one of us. You WILL end up sinning and at that point, you can ask forgiveness. If you are sincere, God will forgive you. YAY! The burden of guilt is now lifted and you can go about your day.
This is why Christians can do horrible things and then walk away unphased. They have a get of jail free card. When/if they start to feel guilty about their deeds, they just ask forgiveness.
I’m not being flippant - this process satisfies a deep psychological need that many people seem to have. They want to be a good, empathetic person - but they are greedy and selfish and jealous, just like the rest of us. The Christian religion taps into this common trait and leverages it to the absolute max.
Spirituality is healthy when it isn’t exclusionary. Unfortunately it too often manifests as ancient dos and don’ts, haves and have nots.
Dont quote scripture at them. Approaching an emotional challenge with a logical solution is never well received. The other side just assumes you don’t understand what they’re going through. This isn’t a debate for one side to win. This is a (midlife) crisis of meaning and one’s sense of morality or righteousness. Perhaps they feel the divorce was not in line with their religious beliefs and looking out for faults in others is how they’re trying to find peace.
They’re probably looking for some form of healing from a broken relationship they’ve both heavily invested in, and finding fault in others gives them a momentary vindication, the ability to say “see, I’m not that bad”.
It what context are they lecturing? Is it due to people they’re directly interacting with or social media?
I can tell they want emotional support through all this and usually that’s really easy to help them through because all I need to do is sit and listen to them go through the grief while giving input if they ask and stuff but when they suddenly lurch into the Repent Session it’s like a completely different conversation is happening.
Any interaction, real-life or social media could trigger it. Like if they see a testimony of someone’s divorce story on tiktok, or if they got bad service at a restaurant, and especially when dealing with the legal process and settlement. And most of all when the televangelists are on TV or social media.
[Edit: There was an anecdote here but I feel like that might be over sharing, removed it]
You may want to deflect with a simple “I’m not going to judge someone for doing their best” or something similar
Personally, I think your parents should be allowed to make their own decision about what religion and/or spirituality they want to adopt.
The reason they’re gravitating toward the religion is likely because the divorce has left them with an emotional hole. They’re finding love and compassion in the message of the religion, and probably some more compassion and companionship from fellow members of the religion.
While the message from the leaders may well be a ruse to hook people and get their money, the perceived benefits and actual fellowship are going to be hard for you to compete with. Especially so if you’re approaching it from the “all of you are batshit crazy” angle.
I think if you really want to help your parent, the best option would be to find a way to provide them even more love, compassion, and companionship than the church gives them. Then they might consider listening to your opinions on organized religion at some point later down the line after they’ve had time to heal from the emotional trauma that comes with divorce. This may also be a good strategy to help yourself if you’re feeling affected by the change too.
Encourage them to seek therapy instead?
Tried that, they don’t like therapists because they don’t think any therapist could ever “understand them like God can”
Look for a Christian therapist. Also talk to a preacher/priest about making a bible-based arguement for seeing a therapist. Something-something Parable of the Talents.
When I was looking at potential therapists, there were more than a few that slapped their Christian beliefs right there on their website and made it a point to state that they integrate their faith into their therapy, so there are probably options like that available to them.
I’ll look into this, thanks!
Agreed. And try to frame it as an addition to their church support not a replacement.
Well, considering they’re leaning into the evangelical bullshit… I don’t know that i concur with the last bit.
If they’re Christian:
Matthew 5:32 ESV
But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
They’ve always been religious but like in the sane way.
Try and encourage them to stay in a Church if it’s a well established sane one. Maybe get them to go to fellowship events there or meet with friends. Isolating themselves is the worst thing for them.
Okay, wow. That translation is… something.
In mine, it doesn’t say “except on the groubs of sexual immorality”, but “unless the marrage is unlawful”. There is a world of difference there.
Mine is New American, Revised Edition.
The ESV translates things a bit more literally, which I prefer. That’s just the issue with translating Hebrew and Greek to English.
The word πορνεία (porneia) is use which is where “pornography” comes from, etc. So the ESV is probably more accurate in this regard.
There are parts of the old testament where the Hebrew literally says “Thigh” but the writer really was referring to a womb. So do you translate it as thigh or womb? Both are correct.
