You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.

You look like you trust politicians/newspapers/AI

You think that streamer likes you

Your brain could revolve around inside a peanut shell without ever touching the sides

You have a head full of vacuous nothings that occasionally leak out of your mouth

(To name a few that I enjoy)

You’ve got more teeth than braincells

You haven’t got two braincells to rub together

You don’t have the sense God gave a popsicle

I bite my thumb at you.

“If she was a spice, she would be flour” - Louise Belcher

There’s a great artist that sells stuff at our local ren-faire; I bought a fridge magnet that says “I saw thee, and thought my day unwell.” It’s illuminated like an old manuscript and depicts a slim greyhound tossing his cookies.

“You are not acting like the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be.”

Guaranteed to slug the inner child of, at least, three or four generations. Might have diminishing returns at the extremes (brainwashed boomers and brainrot zoomers) but should still hit pretty hard on those who grew up watching Fred Rogers and are capable of some amount of introspection.

I have neither the crayons nor the inclination to explain it to you.

I love how you don’t let facts influence your opinion.

“You look so generic I got a deja vu the first time we met.”

I keep recycling this one but it’s hard not to. I have so few good ideas!

“I say this with the greatest respect…”

It’s really hard to underestimate you.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

Chuckle and as you walk away, and under your breath but just loud enough to hear, say “eyebrows” in a way that sounds like you were amused and thinking about how it amused you. They will think about that for years, as I have been