Hello, Im kind of new here and trying to get used to Lemmy and I was wondering about if this is true since I am considering donating on this site to support alternative projects but wanted to hear other users before doing so. That being said, what have been your experiences?
Well, yeah, I know how to behave. I have a long history of participating in the trans community. I’m not foreign to any of these things.
But none of that matters when the other person misinterprets what you’re saying or what you mean, attributes malice to your words, and refuses to change their perspective when you try to explain, while demanding an apology for what is essentially an innocuous comment as if you killed their cat.
The fact of the matter is that, much like the atheist community that I’ve come to abhor after being a part of it for over a decade, the trans community also has its fair share of crazies. And those aren’t even my words, but the words of a trans friend with whom I used to go to these trans events. He also got fed up with their bullshit and would rant at me about them while sharing screenshots. And even now I try to be more patient than him, but sometimes I think to myself, “holy shit, he was right.”
You see, that’s where I find it much easier than you. If I accidentally offend someone that I really didn’t mean to, especially if they’re in a marginalised group that has had plenty of shit thrown at them for it their whole life, I find it very easy to apologise, back down, maybe try to explain that I didn’t mean it the way they read it, but being careful to very clearly restate my apology for the offence I caused afterwards if I do.
You would rather tell them that they were wrong and that you were right, and you’re prepared to argue it long and hard. I find that completely unnecessary, because I don’t need to win if I didn’t mean to beat them in the first place.
I have difficulty backing down in lots of scenarios but accidentally upsetting someone I didn’t mean to isn’t one of them.
Not how to back down when you didn’t mean to upset people, though.
I think you’re assuming a lot about what the interaction actually was about, how it happened, and why. And you’re assuming that I don’t know what being part of a marginalized group that gets constant shit thrown at feels like.
An apology is not in order when the person is making a big deal out of nothing, making shit up, and reframing what’s being said to defend imaginary people or abstract ideas. Then add to that malice when things don’t go their way. If I had said something about a particular person or something egregious, I would understand, but I said it about a drawing.
You say that because you haven’t met the whiteknights in the community who get upset on behalf of others or lose their shit when others don’t follow their mental models of gender expression/identity. You know how white people will sometimes cry culture appropriation, and the natives are like, “uh, we’re actually ok with that”? Yeah, they exist in the gay world too, and some are vicious and vindictive to the point of being abusive themselves. To me, it sounds like you’re defending a Karen.
As I said elsewhere, it would be unusual for a vast number of folk to not contain annoying or argumentative people, but I worry about tarring a whole category by always bringing up examples of bad behaviour and mentioning the category as part of it.
For example: “There was this manager shouting at all the women that they needed to keep in shape to impress the customers, but he was obviously badly unfit and overweight and dressed really shabbily.” OK story. But “Fat middle aged guys who don’t lift a finger to try to live healthily can be so annoying when they dress badly and then shout at women that they sold keep in shape and to impress clients.” Not OK, makes it about the category of people.
But, clearly I wasn’t there and I didn’t know that you were criticising a drawing!
It sounds like you had a bad experience and whilst I very much don’t want to generalise from it, I also don’t want to belittle it.
Precisely, so let’s not assume things and speak in ways that try to pin it on me. “You should’ve apologized and backed down” is rewarding their shitty behavior.
I get your point about avoiding generalizations, but I wouldn’t call it a category. This is a pattern of behavior from people who think they’re standing up for someone or something, but end up being straight-up toxic by taking social justice to extremes. I’ve even seen it in person, where some asshole crashed our LGBT+ community group because they started accusing another guy of saying something racist when it wasn’t the case. It was needless drama all around because someone decided to be the superhero and save imaginary people.