I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
Should I follow up?
Fuck no. Either he’s playing games, in which case, red flag, avoid - or he’s so emotionally immature that he can’t maintain an emotionally stable front. But most likely he just wanted to fuck and dump. You’re well out of it.
You weren’t ghosted, he told you that he wasn’t going forward.
Not to say that he probably wasn’t a jerk. But he plainly told you that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything. That’s not ghosting.
People aren’t always honest on dating sites. Something they’re particularly likely to be dishonest about is what kind of relationship they’re looking for. Women will sometimes say they’re looking for a long-term relationship even if they might be open to something else because saying they’re open to casual sex is “slutty”. Men will often say they’re looking for a long-term relationship even though they’re not because women won’t meet them if they don’t say that because it’s “slutty”.
That may be what you encountered: a man trying to see if you really meant what your profile said, or it might be a man trying to deceive you to get casual sex when that’s not what you’re looking for. Either way, a follow-up will not lead to the long-term relationship you’re seeking.
Edit: I also wouldn’t characterize his behavior as “ghosting”. Ghosting is cutting off communication without explanation. He gave you an explanation.
He would have likely ghosted you if you had fucked on the first date too, or possibly had sex with you a few more times before becoming very busy because of work.
There are guys out there who say “I’m really looking for love and a long-term partner and hoping to find the right person” specifically because they want one-night stands and think that some naive people will think “This is it! Maybe he really likes me?” and have sex as a result.
If this trick didn’t work, sleazebags wouldn’t do it.
There are also people who may genuinely be looking for love (or lie to themselves about that) and when they meet up with someone who they aren’t that into, they will still act charming and interested and polite in romantic in the hopes of getting laid. It’s like a “well, I’m not that interested, this person is okay but not that hot, but I took an hour to get ready and then another 30 minutes to drive here, maybe I can at least get laid if the person’s easy…” You weren’t easy, so that trick didn’t work…
Definitely do not follow up. It’s very unlikely he was extremely sexually attracted to you and there was something you said that could be negotiated. He’s probably not thinking “She’s so hot, but she seems to mild for me.”
It’s probably more like he thought “Oh she seems nice, I’m not that into how she looks, she’s not that hot, maybe she’ll fuck?”
It’s hard to know if you could follow up without knowing what the traditional chivalry thing is about. If he paid for everything, instead of splitting, and you’re often busy with work and doing well, and that’s why… it could be that he genuinely can’t afford a long courtship process if he can’t be sure if he’s being used.
That’s a real concern because sometimes women will date guys, use them for free meals and free whatever, and not really actually want a relationship. For all he knows, you could go out on dates with guys three times a month, never pay, and never have sex, and just get free meals. Apps can be very brutal for some guys and some guys may feel like “If she’s not willing to be fair with money now, I’m going to get taken advantage of later.” I think it’s fair for someone to feel that way. He also may not be able to afford not splitting the bill in a long courtship. He may have income of 5000 a month, gets 3500 back after deductions, as has close to 3400 in expenses (or whatever). How nice of a place did you go to?
So if that’s specifically what happened, you could text back and say “I thought you were really hot. If this was just because of not splitting the bill, I’m willing to pay when we go out next time, but hopefully only if you think I’m hot too. I do want a long-term relationship and am not looking to have sex with anyone until (after marriage, until a guy says on Instagram we’re dating, until I’ve been dating a guy at least X months, etc.) However, if you just weren’t that into me or don’t want to wait that long, I get it, everyone has a type, right? If you weren’t that into me generally, no need to respond!”
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks to be rejected even after a first date. You can try to reach out but you might not get a response or get a response you don’t like. He doesn’t owe you that and may not respond. It might the reasons you think or might be something different. You might hear things that you can’t or won’t change.
As far as closure it’s something you give to yourself. You will need to work on giving it to yourself. Just keep in mind that all relationships will fail until one doesn’t. So there’s lot of rejection and heartbreak until you find happiness. This happiness might be a LTR or STR
He tells you very clearly that he doesn’t a long term thing.
It is clear to me that he only wants to fuck.
Unless you just want to fuck him, you should move on.
Thank you for sharing! I think you’re totally right but I’m just baffled at the lengths to which he went in stringing me along for this waste of time. He would pull out all the stops during our date, sweet little gestures that felt thoughtful. He even started by saying he’s looking for a long-term relationship after getting know people and seeing who’s most compatible, and he seemed completely genuine. When he casually dropped the line about a few situationships on our very first interaction, no wonder my gut took a turn.
We can only speculate based on your description and you already had a big tendency towards the “getting laid” explanation. Maybe he really didnt feel it as much as you thought he did. Maybe he was horny on the first date. Maybe he was looking for long-term but saw you as “short-term material” (whatever that means exactly, Im not in the dating game) and when you closed that door he backed up.
For a lot of (immature) guys, dating is a game with roles to play, in order to get laid. One thing that some guys do is pretend to want a serious relationship to draw in women willing to commit on the first or second date.
It’s a terrible thing to do, but some guys will go to any lengths to convince a lady to go to bed with them. Finding decent men in the sea of childish boys can be a challenge, but playing it slow and respectful will help to separate the two. A real man will respect your requests and autonomy, not challenge them or give passive-aggressive responses.
The fact that he tuned out as soon as you told him to take it easy speaks volumes about the kind of guy he is. He’s definitely looking for a quick lay and when that was off the table, he lost interest. You should consider it a good thing that he decided to call it off. He’s not wasting any more of your time with incompatible goals in mind.
Gestures on a first date mean basically nothing. Everyone is presenting a “very best” version of themselves. It’s easy to do for an evening.
And he could not seem to even contain himself on the 1st date. Huge red flag IMO.
Incredibly disgusting and cheap behavior if not with genuine intentions over longer term, when that is literally what they said out loud. I was sad and now I’m more so angry. What if all these single guys around my age (I would say I’m older than the age of settling down as expected by society) are just in it for casual? Or the ones that are genuine, I don’t find attractive for xyz reason? That is terrifying.
As a guy, we can be real jerks.
My guess is that he probably wants more short term casual relationships but also knows that most women want long term (and those who want short term have no end of possible suppliers.) So, if he wants to sleep around, he probably has to claim he that ultimately he is looking for a long term relationship. (Would you have gone on a date if his profile just said casual?)
I’m also striding through middle age and sorry to say, in a lot of senses, dating doesn’t get easier. Honestly, I think a lot of people have coupled up and a higher proportion who haven’t, haven’t for a reason.
There’s also an interesting phenomenon I’ve seen in early middle age where guys who seem dependable etc couple up with women who would seem “out of their league” as priorities shift to starting a family etc. Of course, the flip side is this also removes a lot of the nice but kind of unremarkable guys from the dating pool.
All that being said, I’d say there is still hope! The big advantage of dating later on in life is that you know who you are, what you want and hopefully, you’re not afraid to ask/demand it! Meeting people in person, whether community groups, sports, hobbies, volunteering or anything else is tricky but deeply rewarding. The other folks around our age who also don’t have families and kids are often pretty friendly and happy to make new friends as our old friends get busier with their new families etc.
Good luck out there!
What’s funny is that this is so not a male/female split. I wanted casual between my long term guys, was thinking to just keep it that way, but then decided to date more seriously and was shocked at the response from these guys I only wanted casually - apparently what they wanted was to date seriously but I didn’t see them that way? It seemed like guys were settling for casual hookups because that’s what they could get, or what they were expected to want?
I didn’t want to date any of them like that! But felt kind of shitty that I hadn’t picked up on it, at all. There was zero awareness on my side that these guys were wishing for anything other than the casual hookups.
When a narcissistic (or other personality disorder) person has disposed of us, it’s normal to feel totally disorientated. I’m assuming too much here, but I’ve seen this pattern often so since you sound surprised I’ll just elaborate a little.
Unfortunately there are many men out there who only really experience feelings around their base desires: eating, drinking, sex, etc. They want to be satiated, but because they lack empathy they can’t engage normally with people. So they calculate in advance how to maximise charm and speed up results. They’ve gotten good at this from spending a lot of time observing people and wondering why they’re not like them. Usually from an early age.
Once they’ve gotten what they want, it’s like having just had a large meal. They cannot face us anymore, and faking interest even becomes harder. When the appetite builds up again they either return or find their next source of supply.
It’s usually best to find someone new who sees them as new and interesting. That feels really good, and nobody who has known them a bit longer can really provide them with that bedazzled reaction that the narcissist craves.
They look like normal people, work, make small talk etc, to blend in well when they have to but they’re not like us.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know the feeling.
Me again. What if me addressing that topic where we didn’t see eye to eye can fix whatever this is though? Or do you think that never works and it would just make me feel worse since he will likely ignore that message too? Part of the frustration is my hyperfocusing on this too when there are million other things to get to.
Do you really want to fix this, though? Take a step back from the emotions and look at the whole picture.
If you do start a relationship with this man, this is the foundation you’d be building it on. He’s already shown you that he has issues respecting your physical boundaries and with communication. How do you expect a conversation to unfold in a way that would “fix” this? What could he say that would make you feel like his behavior was acceptable? If he said those magic words, should you even believe them?
I know it’s rough out there dating-wise, but don’t settle. And when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
You have a crush. It will nag you for a little while but it will pass. Also, one of the sexiest quality in someone you like/are attracted to is reciprocity. That guy is not it.
Sounds like he wanted to have sex on the first date and you didn’t.
“Irreconcilable differences.”
yeah sounds this way to me.
Dating is a real pain. Don’t worry, he isn’t the one.
Couldn’t agree more. Like finding a needle in a haystack. Thank you so much I needed to hear this and was worried he’s the one that got away.
I can only speak from experience, but; when you meet the right one, you both know it and you’re drawn together like magnets.
The trick is meeting enough people to find the right one. It’s easier than winning the lottery but it does take time and sometimes many attempts
By modern standards, you didn’t really get ghosted. That text was him calling it off. It sucks, but I’m afraid that’s about as good as you’re probably gonna get.
I’ve been in your shoes, wracked my brain trying to think about everything I might have done wrong and wishing they’d tell me exactly why they weren’t interested so I could try to fix it.
I’ve also been the guy in this situation, having figured out that I’m not interested in the person and struggling to put it into words. Maybe the vibe wasn’t right, maybe we had different expectations, maybe there’s nothing wrong with them physically but yet for some reason I’m just not attracted to them. I’m ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it’s easier than telling them the truth. Maybe the times I got ghosted in return was some sorta karma.
You shouldn’t blame yourself or assume anything is wrong. It sounds like this guy just had different expectations about some things, and that’s perfectly fine. You shouldn’t try to look for anything you need to change about yourself just to find a partner. Keep looking for someone who’s willing to accept you as you are.
Thank you so much! I was already wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did so wrong in such a short period of time to warrant this huge shift and wondering how someone can be so careless with their actions. I have been clear from the start about my intentions, spelling it out on my profile, and guys just seem to want to challenge me for some thrill that they’re not going to get. I really hope it’s not just boys left out there but so far it’s been slim pickings.
Because men have been given the “a man’s going to be a man” pass for far too long. We live what we learn, and it’s up to us to teach our children better.
I’m ashamed to admit I have just ghosted people because it’s easier than telling them the truth.
If you’ve learned better and are doing better, there’s no need for shame. Sharing this will make a difference for those who have any sort of decency seed on the matter, and help women learn to choose themselves, rather than work to be chosen. Thank you. I hope you share it more.
Don’t bother, there’s nothing there to get closure on.
He wanted to screw on the first date and when that didn’t happen he immediately moved on to the next prospect. He’s not looking for anything but booty.
Don’t waste your time.
Bingo
Thank you for your advice! Unbelieveable how misleading he was throughout this whole situation. I think he himself is confused and needs to work on aligning his actions with his words. His dating intention description started as not publicly shared on his profile, then to “Long-term relationship, open to short term” then “Long-term relationship” when interacting with me more, now disappeared again. I know everyone who commented is right, but it feels so frustrating and that I got the short end of the stick for no good reason. At least I saw his red flags and spoke up even if it was a step slower.
Meh, don’t think to much about it.
Everyone operates in their own best interest. Some of us aren’t too self-aware about it.
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A lot of women say they stop using apps because the vast majority of their male dates are just looking for sex.
Those men have learned that just asking want sum fuk? will be unsuccessful, so they learn to play along with whatever minimal romance/interaction they think is expected of them, but they leave quickly if they don’t get it or, worse: they pretend to be interested in a relationship until you have sex with them, then they leave.
From what you’re describing, your date is one of these men. Sorry.
Where are you from, OP? You might get better advice from your locale.
Women do the same tho, idk why yall are acting like this is male exclusive, it’s the norm if anything, no ones just going want sum fuck, everyones playing along, thats why most ppl use these dating apps that I know, (im 26 so maybe its different at different age groups, but most ppl my age or below are using those apps for hookups, with sex being the main reason, if anything else like a relatioship develops it happensif it happens)
Live transcript of my girlfriends advice:
Always put yourself first, no no
No don’t tell her that
Love yourself period
Change all that, smartass
Sage advice or whatever.
No. He is just a pebble on the beach.
Love this analogy, thank you! And yes he is, if that.
It’s a song from the fifties. You’re… just a pebble on the beach lalala lala la lalala.
I think it is a lost cause. Seems like he made it clear he wanted to move at a faster pace physically and wasn’t willing to slow down. That’s a red flag and he’s taken himself out, I wouldn’t get hung up on it or question yourself.
You’re so right, thank you! I’m already exhausted and he happens to be the first one I met in person after recently reluctantly getting back into dating.
Agreed.
Another way to look at it - they’re on different schedules.
He did OP a favor by making that clear. That’s OK, not everyone is on the same schedule.
so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly
He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again
Clearly he was very disappointed. And the only possible reason is your announcenent before.
Seems you didn’t recognize that.
I would have been helpful (probably for both of you) to ask him right then and there about his reaction, and his wishes and feelings, because that was your only opportunity to really bring it out into the open and maybe talk about it. Later he had shut down.
Ask someone to clarify why they did/said something?
C’mon, this is 2026; we sit on it for hours or days and then ask strangers on the internet what someone meant.
