Dear Lemmy,

I have a dilemma on what to do about my brother. He’s now in jail for the 2nd time in his life for yet another violent felony. I’m not sure how to proceed. I’m going to have to provide back story to get you all up to speed. I’ll try to keep as short as possible otherwise I’d be writing a book.

My brother and I are half brothers (different dads). I never knew my dad growing up. My mom married my brother’s dad when I was about 4 or 5 and they had my brother when I was about 7.

My brother’s dad was a religious asshole who made us go to church every week even though we had no interest. He got into shouting matches with my mom almost on the daily. I specifically remember one time him getting violent and throwing a broken lock at my mom and I locked my brother and I in the bathroom trying to protect him just in case. He never laid hands on me that I can remember but I remember he would force me to eat food I didn’t like to the point where I’d throw up and if I couldn’t keep it down I would be in trouble. Just mentally abusive shit like that.

They divorced when my brother was around 5 or 6 I think putting me around 12 or 13. My mom then did the single mom thing and tried to provide for us, but she’d go to work all day then get home and go to the bar until late at night. Sometimes she’d get home around 11 sometimes 2am. She’d bring random guys home and sleep with them and I’d never see them again. She did have 1 long term boyfriend at one point, that guy was an abusive alcoholic and even choke slammed me once. Eventually she was found unfit by the court to care for my brother and his dad got custody of him around age 7 or 8.

I would still see him every other weekend or so. We weren’t very close since he no longer lived with us and we were 7 years apart. When he was visiting we’d sometime play games or watch anime. But mostly I think I was out hanging out with friends. He had his own friends too so it’s not like he was just stuck at the house by himself. I’d pick on him like brothers tend to do here and there. Never physically harmed him or anything, just poke fun. My mom kept up the work by day drink at night thing pretty much until I moved out.

My brother must have had a rough time at his dad’s house though because I knew the guy was an asshole and I remember my brother reminding me of that, I don’t remember specifics. I do remember that my brother was very overweight at a young age and he got picked on at school a lot. I know one time he took a knife or multiple knives to school and threatened people. He ended up getting suspended and things only spiraled from there.

I moved out to my own place, got married, went to college for a bit, worked, then joined the military in my early 20s and while I was stationed in another state. My brother finished high school and had a girlfriend. Just after his 18th birthday I got a call from my mom that my brother was arrested. I found out that he had a falling out with his gf and she was breaking up with him. He refused to let that happen, went to her place of work, forced her outside and into his car and tried get her to stay with him. She was able to get out of the car and as she was going back into her work he hit her over the head with something heavy causing a concussion. He got charged with aggregated assault and kidnapping. My mom and his dad posted his bail and he went home with his dad. A few weeks later he violated a protection order that he wasn’t supposed to be on school property when he attended a homecoming game. The judge locked him up and he served like 3-5 years.

During his time in prison we wrote to each other and I talked to him on the phone a few times. I wrote him during my deployment and after I got home. We talked about how we’d hang out when he got out. I genuinely wanted to try and reform him and be a role model for him to help guide him when he got out. When I asked him why he did what he did he would always just say he didn’t remember it and that he blacked out. He would also say that the story I had heard was different than how it actually went and he never meant to hurt anyone.

Fast forward to him getting out of prison, I moved to a different state on orders, close enough to drive home. He comes to visit for a day. We talked about his time in prison, our mom, his dad. He asked if I forgave my mom for being a shitty mom and I said no. I barely talk to my mom to this day. We might talk on the phone once every few months and only for like 10 minutes. I mainly just talk to her because I feel obligated and I don’t want to be a shitty person. Anyway, my brother and I both agreed we had a shitty upbringing, but then he said that I had also abused him. Which confused me, because while I remember picking on him in what I thought a lot of siblings do, he remembers something different. He said that I had physically hurt him and beat him up to the point he was bruised and battered. I have no memory of this and if this were true I would think that someone somewhere would have noticed and said something like school teachers or police would have been involved. Anyway, we brushed it aside, talked more, I gave him a used laptop since he didn’t have a computer. I even reluctantly lent him money for a present for his girlfriend (he paid me back).

Fast forward again, my brother is enjoying his freedom, has a job, and his new gf. He’s going to EDM festivals a lot, like constantly (this will be important later). We both liked EDM and there was a concert near me that we both wanted to go to, so he brought his gf and we went to the concert and they stayed the night. A little while after this event, things went south between us. I found out from my mom that he was constantly asking her for money for gas or new car tires. He apparently called her in the middle of the night one time because he had ran out of gas and needed $20 after she had just given him money. I thought it was weird that he had no money but was going to all of these EDM festivals. He had posted 2 tickets to one he had planned to go to on FB and the tickets were like $200 a pop. So I passive aggressively said that maybe instead of buying those tickets he could have bought gas or tires for his car. He LOST it on me. Went off, bringing up how shitty of a brother I was and how his childhood was shit and just generally played the victim. Words were said, we never talked again for like the last 8 or so years.

My mom said she had met up with him last year around his birthday to try and reconnect. When they met she said he told her that she was dead to him, his dad was dead to him, and I was dead to him. He made the claims that she was a shitty mom (which she was). He claimed that I had broke his arm once when I beat him up as kids. My mom and his dad have no idea what he’s talking about because he never had a broken arm. He apparently asked if my wife was dead yet, I have no idea why he’d ask that. It was just a genuinely weird experience my mom said. She said she left scared.

A few months ago I get an email from some inmate notification system with my brother’s name in it. I thought it was weird spam or something from back when he was in so I just ignored it. Few days later something told me I should try looking him up in the system. Sure enough he was arrested for strangulation, making threats, and harassment. So he’s been locked up since waiting out the court process. He couldn’t make bail, didn’t reach out to anyone as far as I was aware. A friend of mine from back home found a FB profile of a girl where they were in the picture together and said she was in a relationship. Then a few days later he wasn’t in the picture anymore and her relationship status was removed. We believe he strangled his girlfriend, but no one has any details because no one talked to him.

My mom just got a letter from him this past week. In the letter he talks about how he was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and depression due to his upbringing, which I have no doubt. He also says that anything we hear about what happened is a lie and all untrue. He blames her among unnamed others, and the system for the situation he is in. He also signed his name with an arrow pointing it it and a note saying no one that loves him calls him by that name. But no one has come to bail him out, so I guess I’m confused as to who he’s talking about. We haven’t heard anything else from anyone.

I’m worried that my brother is unstable and I’m worried that if I do anything that could set him off that he could come after my family(wife and kids) when he gets out. At the same time I feel bad for him because we both dealt with the same parents but probably had very different households after he went to live with his dad. I live somewhat of a normal life and have a good job, I do see a psychiatrist for mental health issues from my childhood and my time in the military. So I always thought that I came out of it somewhat OK, why couldn’t he? I thought he’s just not accepting responsibility for his own actions and blames everyone else. So I guess I’m wondering do you guys think I should reach out and try to reconnect or just let bygones be bygones?

Sorry for the long story, just sitting here late in bed not knowing what I should do.

Edit: Just adding a few details, it was late and I was tired. I forgot to mention that in his letter to my mother, he sounded suicidal. He said to give his belongings to his gf, no one even knows how to contact her, nor are we even sure if we should especially if she’s the victim. We don’t want to exacerbate her trauma.

I also found on some of the court documents/inmate info that he was found in contempt for violating a court order. I’m wondering if he tried to contact his gf when he was ordered not to in order to tell her she could have his belongings. I don’t know, just speculating.