My last 2 weeks have been a bit rough:
first there was an insurance issue I am still dealing with because my employer failed to submit relevant information on time. Payment will be effective only after employer submits correct information.
Then my employer claimed that someone had seen me using my cell phone while at work (theoretically, that’s not allowed, but everyone checks the time now and then, and normally it doesn’t affect the quality of the work). They claimed this happened eight weeks ago. I simply replied that I couldn’t remember anything like that.
This week I received a ticket from the transportation authority, where they claim I boarded a ship without a valid ticket, something I am appealing. I’ve never done this before but my friends are helping me. It’s not so much about the amount as it is about the feeling of being trampled on. I even showed the employee a copy of my ticket I had on my phone with my whole name, address and price I paid, but he ignored it. I already sent my side of the story to the authority and I’m waiting for an answer.
The thought of being forced to pay for a ticket I paid and showed as a copy of weighs heavily on me. I know I shouldn’t give it more importance that it deserves, but they way that employee treated me, the employee ignoring me, my explanations and the copy I had on my phone gives me an eerie feeling of injustice, that something is broken. I’ve been using that boat for 5 years and never had such an issue before.
If you are more resilient than me, how? I feel lost and as much as I’d like to forget about it I flash back to it, I cannot concentrate and I’m not sleeping very well.
I’d like to be stronger but I’m not.
I have a long history in contemplative practice so this might not be of much use to someone who doesn’t but I find that unlike anger for example, anxiety is a sneaky emotion that often gets in and poisons your mind before you even notice it. At that point it’s hard to reverse. However, if you’ve been feeling fine and then detect anxiety creeping in, don’t resist it but instead see what it actually feels like. Be curious about the physical sensations especially. In my case there often isn’t even anything in particular that I’m anxious about. It’s this feeling of pressure in my chest that I interpret as anxiety but it’s not - it’s just a bodily sensation I associate with a negative mental state. Observing it this way in a way rids it of any meaning. Now it’s not “oh, I’m getting anxious” but instead “oh, there’s that sensation of pressure in my chest again.” I can just feel the physical sensation without attaching any emotional state to it. The feeling pretty much just evaporates the moment I point the spotlight at it. Detecting it early is the key.