My wife thinks I’m the smartest man she has ever known. Meanwhile, I’m slapping my own head going, “This baby can fit so many Wikipedia articles in it.”

Get a government job. You’ll hear more acronyms in 2 hours than you’ve heard in the last year.

Duck be on the ark tonight?

But hey, anal juice is also pretty good.

Replace “token” with “title” and “monkey” with “car,” and you’ve got a formula most people understand.

I own the title, but I don’t own the car.

Unlike the monkey, you can go find the car in the real world.

Aw man, I loved their last album. I never realized they released another. I was listening to The Scholars by Car Seat Headrest for a good portion of last year.

Sometimes you Ea-Nasir, and sometimes you’re the purchaser who received a substandard shipment of copper.

I hear it tastes pretty good, too.

And fuck the movie The Fan starring Wesley Snipes. Demolition Man’s the only Snipes movie I like.

-Jon “MC Vagina” Lajoie

Your genetic data, your husband’s genetic data, and your future kids’ genetic data. They’re playing the long con on that one.

If I got to say, “Oh thank fuck I made it,” I’d be relieved, too.

Joke’s on all of y’all. I still burn CDs. My car has a four disc CD changer.

If you were my child, I’d have picked you up from school four hours early and taken you out for ice cream.

If he didn’t want me touching it, he shouldn’t have given it to me. Kinda his fault I whack it.

Jesuseth of Nazaretheth.

That flew over my head at first, but holy shit, that’s clever.

Modest House?

HELL YEAH, BRÖTHER.

Ticketmaster

• Online fee: $73.27
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• We put your name in the Goblet of Fire fee: $3.82
• Free fee: $0.01
• Enter your birth year: 1979
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• Neighbor fee: $1.32
• Weed fee: $4.20

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That’s the lesson I learned with my credit cards. I took out a loan to pay them off and as soon as they were paid off, I closed them. The sugar is too sweet, and the goblin is ravenous. It’s too easy to use the credit card to acquire junk. Next thing you know, over 25% of your income is going toward credit cards, and you’ve got nothing to show for it.

I finally said fuck that shit. They need me more than I need them. It’s a shame the realization took so long.

The only way to win the game is to not play.

And you’re goddamned right.