Whenever my dog used to smiled like that, he was two seconds away from puking all over the carpet. Which makes sense here, considering this good doggo is being compared to that Nosferatu.

“You shouldn’t have said that. Now, everyone’s laughing at you behind your back. And there’s a spider in your hair.”

Ah yes, when i see Freddy Mercury or Magnum Pi, all i see is creepy redneck.

Balls.

“Food trends” kill me.

Mmmm! Know what goes really good on your bowl of steaming rat assholes? Cobwebs. Have you had your bowl of steaming rat assholes and cobwebs today?

She’s not American. They use different terms for things around the world.

E: ducking autocorrupt

RIP St George

I’m so fucking tired of the word “cringe” lately.

“Me and the boys was wonderin’ if we could go family style on 'er…?”

SO CLOSE! You’re making cm002’s argument for them.

You’re correct, mb. I’m smashing like two or three of them together.

The ratio of unicorns to leprechauns

Out another diverse chick in it and make her gay and lame.

Ftfy.

Who sends messages to nobody…?!

“Short, quippy, and wrong.” You’re deciding someone else’s position for them, and then debating that.

“You’re a right-winger.”

Technician A: “Here’s where the infant went through the windshield. Three points.”

Technician B: "The teenager’s braces around the backseat ashtray would make a good “anti-smoking” ad.

Technician A: "The father must’ve been huge. See how the fat burnt into the driver’s seat with his polyester shirt? Very “modern art.”

“Thank you sir, may I have another!”

“Finally! A fashionable shoe for the blind earthbender.”

Add Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn to that pile. Can’t stand any of 'em.

Are we talking about Jack Black, or The Rock…?